Compounding the issue was that I had put a lot of hope into this trip playing a part in reversing a depression that had been growing for the last couple of months. Unfortunately my being sick had the opposite effect and drove me into a far greater depression then I had experienced since before leaving for my USA adventure. At a time when I should have been seeking help from friends; I instead ventured off on my own. When I became ill, I no longer had the distraction of discovering the city to get my mind off of thought process that it became stuck on. I think that had I just become ill without being depressed, I could have been fine. I would have just dived into reading, drawing or writing. But instead I became focused on the depression and it pulled me down.
One unintended consequence of this trip is that it has made me re-evaluate my travel desires. I still yearn to see as much of this world as possible, and dream of passing through the fjords or visiting Tokyo. But I also know that I don’t particularly wish to do so alone. Since I started keeping this journal, I have had some life changing experiences. However, I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing part of this experience because it is not being shared with anyone. For example I went to two concerts in 2010, both by the same performer, and both were brilliant. But after the first, I went back to my hotel, and went to bed. After the 2nd I had drinks and talked about the concert with my companions. In Kenys it was great to talk about what we had seen in the evenings. In Germany I missed that. I felt totally alone, and I don’t particularly wish to do so again. So the real question is whether or not I will continue down the same road as I have been? I’m unsure of the answer. Given the straight choice between not going somewhere, or going alone there really isn’t much of a fight. Germany forced me to re-evaluate a great deal of preconceptions that I had regarding my own direction, and what I wish to do. I have taken a great deal of time looking at my options with a lot of introspection. I think that I have found the beginnings of a path, and I’ve put some things into motion already. Travel is still a big part of that plan, but for the time being at least; it will need to take a back seat to things like education and the rediscovery of myself.