I'm feeling pretty miserable.
There I've said it.
I'm tired and frustrated and getting more and more irritated by people and certain things.
I'm physically tired as I've done a hell of a lot of moving in the last few weeks. Since leaving Langkawi, the longest I've stayed in a single place is three nights, and even that was bookended by long journeys. Most mornings have been 7 - 8 am starts, with a few at 5 or 6 am.
Over the last week I've been feeling my energy resources just draining away, and I'm not getting good sleep to replace it.
It is actually surprising just how much a 5 hour bus trip every other day takes out of you.
Then there are the people.
I'm not getting on with this group anywhere near as much as the others. I find it a very cliquey group, and I would say that there are a few people I really like, most that I wouldn't describe as mates, but am cordial with and a couple that make me want to leave the room to escape their condescending tones.
I am frankly getting pissed off with people that have zero idea what Guernsey is like, what it costs to live there, or indeed specifics about things like wages and taxes offering the opinion that we don't pay tax, or that we are all rich. Its ill informed for a start, but to me it is also exceptionally rude. I don't find out where people come from and make my first observation critical and something that tars the entire population with the same brush.
It would be like me meeting someone from Iceland and saying "oh, you all kill and eat whales over there". If I did I'd expect a comeback, and I wouldn't then presume to claim I know what the local people do better than they do by disregarding what was just told to me.
I certainly wouldn't make it a theme of conversation a couple of weeks later!
I'm also getting tired of sharing rooms. This is not aimed at anyone, just a generalisation. Its the small things, tip-toeing around, the different times people go to sleep, the different things people do. It can be something really petty like a rucksack placed on the only table in the room, thus rendering it useless for any other purpose.
Even rolling over in bed now becomes a slow deliberate act in an effort to make as little noise as possible and avoiding disturbing my room-mate. Maybe I'm tip-toeing too much and being too nice about the whole thing. I think it would be different with an actual friend, but sharing with someone I don't know puts me on edge.
For the last couple of nights I've had a room to myself thanks to Mike. We were due to share for three nights, but he booked himself into a single room for two of them as he wanted some space to himself.
I barely know him, but I wanted to hug him when he told me.
I'm aware it may sound over the top, but I'd forgotten how liberating it is to be by yourself. To have background music without headphones, to turn as many or as few lights on as you want, to set the air-con (if available) to the temperature you're most comfortable with
It was like a little holiday and I was so grateful I offered to put some money towards his room as it benefited me hugely. He refused saying "it was a completely selfish decision". Even if it was, I'm still grateful.
Despite the distance, I still can't quite remove myself completely from home. There are people that I consider my best friends that I have not received any correspondence at all from, and yes, I have sent stuff to them. You'd be surprised just how dispiriting I find that.
I'm already feeling pretty alone in strange places, without wondering why the alienation from home as well.
There is an unfortunately experienced part of me that can't help but make the comparison to how I feel now, and mild depression - and cannot find a difference. Down, tired, irritable - the signs are there. But the environmental influences cannot be ignored and at this time I'd say they were the bigger factor in my feeling down.
It all seems rather strange to be writing this, as I have genuinely been enjoying myself - even on this leg where I'm not overly enthralled with the group.
What I need more than anything is a fresh burst of energy or some fresh impetus. A couple of days without having to pack that sodding rucksack. Temperatures that feel in the mid-twenties and not the mid-forties - or even just a strong cooling breeze. Even an evening curled up on a couch and watching a DVD would be great.
As we entered the 8th hour of buses yesterday; I remembered what I'd said to myself when I was booking all this - I'm going away to enjoy myself, not for an endurance trial. I was referring to the standard of accommodation that I was going to book, rather than the day to day - but it struck me that its something I need to get back to.
When I was working, I dreamt of seeing something amazing, then chilling out and reading a book, playing a game or having a chat or a drink.
I've read precisely two books - and one of them was very short. Not played chess since leaving China, and watched four films - three of them at the cinema because the place I was staying in was so boring. The places I've been are breathtaking, and I've seen places that I'd never heard of that will stay with me the rest of my life. But somewhere I forgot about the fun and relaxing part of the trip and I really need to get into that mindset.
That mindset being that none of this matters. The people that annoy me don't matter. They aren't my friends and if I find them annoying, I don't want them as friends. Just like the accommodation, most relationships are temporary and convenient. I'm away for a very long time, and there should be the occasional day of doing nothing but finding somewhere comfortable and reading a book.
I'm travelling, not working. But the principle is the same. The mind needs to switch off occasionally or it starts to strain like it is doing now. If I was still at home and working, I'd build in downtime so why am I not doing so now?
I've got 5 more days in Indonesia, and then I head to Chiang Mai in Northern Thailand. There I have five consecutive nights with absolutely nothing planned and boy am I looking forward to it.